714 Things to Be Cynical About

September 26th, 2007

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leaders
followers
outlaws
lawyers
backstabbers
brown-nosers
yes-men
middlemen
alpha males
women who try to be alpha males
good ol’ boys who become president
bimbos who become celebrities
all other celebrities
prima donnas
dictators
people who take dictation
workaholics
slackers who pretend to be workaholics
slackers who don’t pretend to be workaholics
hypocrites
charlatans
MBAs
mindless office drones who get promoted to management
conformists
nonconformists
poseurs
people who use pretentious French words

bores
boors
weasels
barracudas
pedophile priests
leeches
internal parasites
investment bankers
old-money snobs
new-money snobs
fashion snobs
food snobs
health-and-fitness snobs
“I’m hipper than you’ll ever be in your dreams” snobs
upwardly-mobile career snobs
“team players”
negotiators
the fine print
broken contracts
overbooked flights
canceled concerts
annulled marriages
returned gifts
recalled automobiles
planned obsolescence
knowing that your two-year-old $2000 computer is now a mere toy
$500 electronic handheld organizers that are almost as efficient as $30 loose-leaf organizers
27-year-old Silicon Valley millionaires
computer literacy replacing literary literacy
computer viruses
software bugs
unfathomable computer video games that are instantly mastered by subliterate pre-adolescents
the values instilled by video games (if it gets in your way, nuke it)
thinking about a future society run by people nurtured on video games
watching helplessly as a full day’s work is eaten alive by your PC
watching the hourglass hang for two, three, four minutes
“application has stopped responding to the system”
“server does not have a DNS entry”
spending three hours on the internet in a futile search for information
the fact that you could have obtained the information in three minutes by opening a book
the proliferation of websites featuring naked people exchanging bodily fluids
the fact that those websites are more popular than yours or mine
spam! spam! spam! spam!
losing half our free time to internet addiction
losing most of our day to meaningless work
having to play office politics
having to play golf with your superiors
the term “superiors”
the term “subordinates”
cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
people who thrive in cubicles
people who thrive on 14-hour workdays
people who take their cell phones on vacation
“A” students who end up working for “C” students
“It takes money to make money”
“It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”
the “power words” used on resumes to impress employers
the fact that employers are impressed with power words on resumes
college graduates who have to settle for a job at Blockbuster
the salaries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
the miseries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
prostituting yourself for less than a prostitute makes
staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
people who get promoted on the basis of the right shoes or haircut
people who get promoted because they resemble their vice president
executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
the “fast track”
the “glass ceiling”
being underemployed
being overworked
being reprimanded
being ignored
being framed
being demoted
being moved into the hallway
watching everyone but you rise to the level of their incompetence
the annual incomes of CEOs
the writing ability of CEOs
multimillion-dollar “golden parachutes” awarded to dismissed CEOs
the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
the term “terminating”
“leveraging”
“targeting”
“impacting”
calling downsizing “rightsizing”
downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
the fact that companies now exist primarily to woo investors
bonuses and stock options for executives who “trimmed the fat”
diet plans — all 2,178 of them
joggers who perform ostentatious stretching exercises in public places
fitness zealots who carry hand weights when they walk
self-infatuated bodybuilders who know all their muscles by name
health-food fanatics who faint at the sight of a cheeseburger
health-food fanatics who smoke
anorexia nervosa (just put the food in your mouth and CHEW!)
restaurant patrons who send back perfectly edible food to impress their dinner dates
snippy waiters who would rather be snippy actors
waiters who tell you their name, call themselves “servers,” and expect a 25% tip
waiting half an hour for a salad
waiting twenty minutes for your check
fussy, oily yuppie cuisine
anything with pesto sauce
“herbed” anything
“fruited” anything
anything with ingredients that require you to consult a glossary
gated communities
$600,000 yuppie homes on 1/4-acre lots
yuppie parents jockeying to get their child into a prestigious nursery school
the growing gap between haves and have-nots
doctors marrying doctors
lawyers marrying lawyers
men marrying men
computer geeks marrying computer geeks
professional jargon: the Tower of Babel revisited
the fact that people expect you to understand their jargon
“newspeak”
“groupthink”
“Big Brother is watching you”
totalitarianism
mass movements
mass media
mass murder
mass marketing
telemarketing
the pathetic scripts read by poor underpaid telemarketing agents
saying “yes” so we don’t hurt the poor underpaid telemarketing agent’s feelings
junk mail
the time we spend sorting through junk mail
the fact that junk mail is written by people who wanted to be writers
“Urgent: Reply Requested!”
“You may already have won!”
“If you’re the winner, we will say MR. OCCUPANT HAS WON $9,000,000.00!”
“A special offer exclusively for Mr. Occupant”
“No strings attached!”
“FREE GIFT!”
“FREE TRIAL OFFER!”
televised trials
medieval trials (if you drown, you’re innocent; if you float, you’re guilty)
the irrelevance of the truth in all trials
jury rigging
plea bargaining
murderers acquitted because their side had smarter lawyers
innocent people sentenced because the OTHER side had smarter lawyers
convicted murderers paroled after serving six months of a life sentence
prisons that offer free education, VCRs, and complimentary mints on the pillows
legal loopholes
divorce settlements (both spouses lose; both lawyers win)
lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
lawyers who encourage lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
the absurd amounts of money awarded to people who spill coffee on themselves
the absurd amounts of money awarded to lawyers who prosecute lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
the cost of private medical care
the tyranny of managed medical care
the inefficiency of public medical care
dying during a tonsillectomy
the fact that your death will be referred to as a “negative patient healthcare outcome”
health insurance companies that force hospitals to release patients as soon as the anesthesia wears off
health insurance being denied to the people most likely to get sick
health insurance as a capitalist enterprise
health insurance that covers 80% of a $500,000 medical bill
having a heart attack two days after your health insurance expires
the effects of age and gravity on the human body
shrinking from your original height
going senile
losing control of your bladder as a reward for reaching old age
drugs whose side effects are worse than the disease
cancer: opportunism incarnate
dandruff
gout
flatulence
herpes
psoriasis
Alzheimer’s disease
Tourette’s syndrome
St. Vitus’ dance
hemorrhoids
chronic sinusitis
yeast infections
athlete’s foot
gum disease
crotch rot
mad cow disease
elephantiasis
crabs
male-pattern baldness
irritable bowel syndrome
having to worry about your blood pressure and cholesterol
the fact that worrying about your blood pressure and cholesterol will probably raise both of them
the fact that virtually everything that tastes good can kill you
subsisting on granola only to find that it contains more saturated fat than two Big Macs
the wretchedness of heart-healthy diets (we are not RABBITS!)
regaining more weight after a diet than you lost during it
people who watch their fat intake and keel over at 47
people who eat lard, smoke two packs a day, and live to be 97
the likelihood that the survivors were also much HAPPIER during their long lives
suspecting that you’ll be more like #221 than #222
the smugness of lucky people
the smugness of high-school in-crowders
the even worse smugness of art-world in-crowders
the empty pretentiousness of most modern art
performance artists: street loonies with foundation grants
artists who gain attention by exhibiting their own bodily excretions
artists who pass off collections of scrap metal as sculpture — and have them deposited on idyllic college campuses
artists who decorate an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
art critics who see profound meaning in an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
movie critics who give rave reviews to bad films so their names will appear in newspaper ads
critics who call every passable film or play a “masterpiece”
critics who trash a film, play or book for the chance to turn a clever phrase
designated bestsellers stacked four feet high in the bookstore window
good books going out of print because nobody knows about them
nondescript chain bookstores driving out quirky independent bookstores
celebrity authors who earn more for one ghostwritten book than 100 editors make in a year
the state of publishing today
the state of Nevada
sleaze
bogus fun
bogus ANYTHING
breast implants
sex-change operations
bad toupees
good toupees
blazing white dentures
used-car dealers
chain letters
pyramid schemes
people who refer to pyramid schemes as “multi-level marketing”
euphemisms like “differently abled” and “mentally challenged”
oxymorons like “military intelligence” and “corporate culture”
“Catch-22″ situations; e.g., “you can’t get a job unless you already have a job”
millionaire ballplayers who grumble about their salaries
artificial turf, polyester uniforms, costumed mascots and other tackiness on the field
team owners who fire managers for losing the World Series
free agents who jump from team to team like hungry fleas
boxers who bite off their opponents’ ears or other body parts
“great white hopes” = great white dopes
college football teams made up of convicted felons
pro football players who either strut ostentatiously or pray ostentatiously each time they score a touchdown
female sports reporters allowed into men’s locker rooms
male sports reporters allowed into women’s locker rooms (as if!)
sports teams with singular names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
sports teams with absurdly incongruous names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
sports parents who browbeat their kids for screwing up on the field
asinine chants of “We’re #1!” (Americans always have to be #1)
sports fanatics who live vicariously through their teams
nerds who live vicariously through “Star Trek”
anyone who lives vicariously through any soap opera
celebrity worship
wealth without taste
taste without wealth
shamelsss celebrity promotional vehicles like “Entertainment Tonight”
John Tesh, shameless composer
“Candle in the Wind”
eulogies delivered by clergymen who didn’t know the deceased
how we forget good people after their deaths and remember Attila the Hun
Gresham’s Law: the bad drives out the good
the worldwide triumph of cockroaches
the worldwide triumph of rats
the worldwide triumph of American popular culture
absurd foreign imitations of American popular culture: Russian nightclubs, Czech rock groups, Japanese jazz bands, Turkish soap operas
the profitability of bad taste
the bad taste graveyard: disco, leisure suits, velvet clown paintings
pinkie rings and gold chains on wealthy building contractors
bad art in hotel/motel rooms
the fact that those bad artists can afford to stay in hotels with GOOD art
romance novels with Fabio on the cover
Elvis and Princess Diana collectibles
the fact that the majority of autographed sports collectibles are fakes
the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
selling advertising space on anything that doesn’t move and some things that DO (buses, stock cars, Olympic athletes)
people who sell cemetery plots or penny stocks over the phone
ingenious high-pressure sales tactics that make us feel stupid if we say “no” and even stupider after we say “yes”
buying things on sale: spending money to save money
annual “going out of business” sales
people who spend an hour clipping coupons so they can save 87 cents
receiving Christmas catalogs in August
discovering there’s no Santa Claus
the ugly, insanely popular, hard-to-obtain toys that parents must buy to appease their children
the fact that parents NEED to appease their own children
cheap toys with hundreds of dollars worth of accessories to buy
toys merchandised as movie tie-ins
the licensing of dead celebrities
people who gain an identity by wearing t-shirts with commercial logos
“As seen on TV!”
the bewildering success of home shopping channels (”Who would ever watch nonstop commercials?,” asked the cynic)
infomercials for psychic hotlines, motivational tapes, exercise machines and baldness remedies
people who have nothing better to do at night than watch infomercials
people who promise they’ll call but never do
people who complain because you promised to call but never do
people who ask “How are you?” but don’t really want to know
people who make you miserable
the fact that you ALLOW people to make you miserable
that luck is definitely a factor in getting what you want
that you can make your own luck but nobody tells you how
being unlucky in love
being unlucky in the stock market
stocks that plummet after you buy them
stocks that go through the roof after you sell them
having to pay your broker a commission on losing stocks
the fact that your broker has no incentive to sell you WINNING stocks as long as you pay a commission on losing stocks
the fact that the entire economy of the free world is in the hands of gamblers
lotteries
sweepstakes
church bingo
casinos
Wall Street, the world’s biggest casino
that American Indians have to operate casinos to survive
Las Vegas
lounge acts
Frank Sinatra after 1970
pop music after 1970
life after 1970
striving
giving up
promises
betrayals
excuses
prejudice against fat people
prejudice against dark-skinned people
prejudice against excessively stupid and excessively intelligent people
prejudice against people with big noses
prejudice against ugly women
prejudice against gentle men
“all men are created equal”
“the pursuit of happiness”
chronic disappointment
expecting rewards in the hereafter
the apparent indifference of God
the possibility that God is a myth
the possibility that God is a crank
the possibility that God is a jokester
the prevalence of unbelieving theologians: NOT a good sign
the perverse intelligence of inanimate objects that roll just out of reach
boxtops that tear as you open them
paper grocery bags that tear when they’re full of glass jars
toilet paper that tears as you use it
price labels that won’t come off without tearing the product
plastic bags you have to open with your teeth
“twist-off” bottlecaps that rip your fingers
VCRs so complicated that you need an engineering degree to program them
500 channels and nothing you want to watch
electronic gadgets that come with incoherent instructions written by well- intentioned Asians
major appliances that break down two days after the warranty expires
traffic lights that are programmed to turn red as soon as you arrive from the previous red light
picking the shortest line at a toll booth or supermarket checkout — and watching the others pass you by
playing by the rules and watching the outlaws pass you by
man’s treachery toward his fellow-creatures
raising and nurturing good-natured cows, pigs and chickens so they can become DINNER
killing rhinos for their horns
killing elephants for their tusks
killing baby seals for their fur
killing employees for their productivity
the National Rifle Association
the fact that it’s easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
the oil cartel
U.S. alliances and wars motivated by the sweet smell of oil
the tobacco industry profiting from the slow suicides of smokers
people who start smoking to be cool, then sue tobacco companies when they develop lung cancer
the fact that tobacco ever caught on in the first place (”Why would anyone stick burning leaves in his mouth?,” asked the cynic)
the fact that tobacco is more profitable than book publishing
the fact that nearly ANY industry is more profitable than book publishing
exploitation of resources, including human resources
the term “human resources” (we are not BAUXITE!)
billion-dollar sportswear companies that profit from exploiting child labor
clear-cutting the rainforests to make room for McDonald’s beef cattle
excessive hysteria over snail darters and northern spotted owls
insufficient hysteria over the approaching extinction of tigers, pandas, gorillas and other first-rate mammals
Greenpeace (skip the ’60s poetics — just tell us what you do)
war
Pentagon spending habits; e.g., $640 toilet seats and $76 screws
the contractors who charge $640 per toilet seat and $76 per screw
being drafted
boot camp: sadomasochism as a character-builder
being expected to die for a country you can’t locate on a map
bombing the wrong village
being killed by “friendly fire”
being killed one day before the truce is signed
being hit by a bus one day after returning to civilian life
the raunchy brutality of urban life
drug pushers
street gangs
rapists
carjackers
slumlords
racketeers
panhandlers
muggers who shoot you for a cigarette or a pair of sneakers
welfare mothers raising FUTURE welfare mothers
welfare fathers who sire six children by six different women
ghetto dwellers blaming their problems on racism
middle-class blacks encountering REAL racism when they move out of the ghetto
the fact that most stereotypes contain a grain of truth that keeps them alive: emotional Italians; smart, aggressive Jews; hot-blooded Latins; beguiling, hard-drinking Irish; disciplined, regimented Germans and Japanese; inbred rednecks
not being allowed to say that blacks have rhythm or superior athletic skill — despite all the compelling evidence in their favor
not being allowed to talk about Jewish cultural influence — despite the likelihood that the 20th century will be remembered as a Jewish Renaissance
the fact that Jewish sensitivities may have been conditioned by 2000 years of nonstop anti-Semitism
“Some of my best friends are [fill in the blank]“
the fact that every oppressed minority group likes to think it suffered more than every other oppressed minority group
Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
the fact that we still NEED Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
symbolic protests with live people masquerading as dead bodies
demands of amnesty by whining political agitators (if you don’t want to be arrested, don’t commit a crime)
’60s radicals who used the Vietnam War as an excuse to promote Marxism
’60s radicals who became Wall Street tycoons
’60s radicals who still wear tie-dyed shirts and sandals
liberals whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
conservatives whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
capitalism
communism
socialism
fascism
commericialism
terrorism
male chauvinism
female chauvinism
plagiarism
optimism
Freudianism
psychoanalysts who keep their patients coming back for 20 years
patients who still hope for a cure after being psychoanalyzed for 20 years
group therapy: a less expensive cure that doesn’t work
electroshock therapy: a quicker cure that doesn’t work
finally going crazy
psychiatrists who are crazier than their patients
finding happiness only after getting a lobotomy
being labeled a “former mental patient” for life
“sensitivity” training and other forms of brainwashing
psychobabble: the standardization of introspection
codependency and other pop-psychology concepts designed to sell books
the fact that there wouldn’t be so many self-help books if any of them worked
anyone associated with the O.J. Simpson trial who wrote a book
O.J. Simpson
20-year-old Hollywood starlets who form their own production companies
Hollywood agents of any age
the “A” list for Hollywood parties
the people who decide who’s on the “A” list
Hollywood movies after “Star Wars”
blockbusters
sequels to blockbusters
bad movies based on old TV shows
the fact that those bad movies become blockbusters anyway
Julia Roberts, highest-paid film actress of all time
The fact that the highest-paid actress used to be Demi Moore until Julia Roberts replaced her
the fact that it would take the average U.S. worker more than six centuries to earn what the top male stars receive for one film
the fact that Michael Ovitz received five times that much when he was fired from Disney
the fact that Michael Eisner received more than five times as much as Ovitz in ONE DAY, when he cashed in his Disney stock options
the symbolism of Pia Zadora buying and demolishing Pickfair, once the grandest mansion in Beverly Hills
overreliance on special effects in mainstream Hollywood films
too much @$&#*!% profanity in mainstream Hollywood films
knee-jerk contempt for religion in mainstream Hollywood films
knee-jerk contempt for Hollywood by the religious right
films that depict Jesus as a blue-eyed Nordic
“To him that hath, more shall be given”
the old-boy network
the tendency of high-school in-crowders to become adult in-crowders
being snubbed by the in-crowd because of your looks, clothes, taste in music, or weird family
being snubbed by a friend in the presence of in-crowders
teachers who embarrass you in front of the entire class
students who embarrass teachers in front of the entire class
homework in every subject
teachers’ pets
the worship of student athletes (except in cross-country, wrestling, golf and fencing)
cheerleaders
the importance of being selected as a cheerleader
parents who murder cheerleaders who were selected over their own kids
wanting to be considered cool: the root of all teenage vices
the inexplicable vogue for multiple pierced body parts, including tongues
peer pressure (ask any lemming)
being taunted for being virtuous
having to worry that you’re gay if you’re still a virgin at 18
having to think your entire future will be determined by your college board scores
being rejected by your #1 college
being rejected by your #2 college
being rejected by every college except your “safety” school
being rejected by your “safety” school
going to your #1 college — and hating it
bickering with the college administration
crass college students who major in merchandising or finance
idealistic college students who major in history, philosophy or French (turn back before the world devours you!)
being stuck with a roommate from hell
the hell you have to go through to pledge a fraternity
fraternities in general
sororities in general
fraternity boys who become top executives
private university graduates who look down on state university graduates
state university graduates who look down on state college graduates
state college graduates who look down on community college graduates
high school dropouts who earn more than all of them
mom-and-pop businesses driven out by shopping malls
mom-and-pop businesses driven out by designer boutiques and tattoo parlors
what it takes to succeed
motivational seminars that promise easy success
the fact that the easiest way to succeed is to give motivational seminars
consulting: the art of succeeding while unemployed
the success of writers and artists who sell out
the wretchedness of writers and artists who don’t
tenure for scholars: freedom to be mediocre
being denied tenure
semiotics, deconstructionism, and similar vehicles for academic obfuscation
Afrocentrism (sorry, the Egyptians weren’t black)
Women’s Studies (sorry, women aren’t an ethnic group)
the shameful exclusion of non-Western cultures from old history textbooks
the overemphasis on non-Western cultures in current textbooks
the term “Third World” (”How come we never hear about the First and Second Worlds?,” asked the cynic)
Montezuma’s revenge
what the Spaniards did to Montezuma
trying to convert the heathens
selling refrigerators to Eskimos
having to call Eskimos “Inuit”
having to call Burma “Myanmar”
having to call Dave Barry “America’s favorite humorist”
the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
the fact that MTV is more famous than the 3,000-year-old nation of Armenia
Planet Hollywood
the Hard Rock Cafe
gawking tourists who wear Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts
paparazzi
supermarket tabloids
people who buy tabloids and complain about paparazzi
Calvin Klein ads (what exactly are we selling here?)
reading about the triumphs of the shallow in “People” magazine
the term “beautiful people” used without irony
chic: the triumph of style over substance
55-year-old celebrities who try to look 30
cosmetic surgery
Michael Jackson, self-made alien
Michael Jackson’s marriages
Michael Jackson’s peculiar friendship with Elizabeth Taylor
Elizabeth Taylor’s marriages
the publicity uses of entering the Betty Ford Clinic
alcoholism as a “disease”
gambling as a “disease”
AIDS as a “civil rights issue”
the sad last days of discarded celebrities
tabloids that exploit the sad last days of discarded celebrities
the woes of former child stars
the warped ambitions of stage parents
the futile ambitions of would-be writers
the fact that nobody reads literature anymore
the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.
the disappearance of classical music radio stations
the perplexing success of the ugliest pop music
the inevitable triumph of energy over refinement
the fact that cultured men today are predominantly gay
the fact that heterosexual men today are predominantly uncultured
the fact that single men have to feel suspect if they’re cultured
men who regard women as sex toys
smart middle-aged women who regard uneducated young men as sex toys
middle-aged alpha males with trophy wives
women who praise sensitive men but fall for alpha males
men who demand that their women look like Barbie
women who demand that their men be “financially secure”
crude, lascivious men who leer at women, make jokes about breasts, etc., etc.
hip, contemporary women who leer at men, make jokes about penises, etc., etc.
the comical ineptness of intellectual men in the real world
the shrill fascism of intellectual feminists who denounce our rigid “phallocentric” institutions, like grammar, sex and rocket science
the condescension of older businessmen toward the “little ladies”
women who characterize flirtation as sexual harassment
men who characterize sexual harassment as flirtation
the male double standard: it’s OK for men (but not women) to fool around
female double standards: it’s OK for women (but not men) to bash the opposite sex, have their own colleges and clubs, whine, let their spouses support them, etc., etc.
the fact that everything ultimately boils down to sex
the fact that sex fuels the egos of people whose egos don’t need fueling
kinky sex (isn’t “normal” sex kinky enough?)
impotence: nature’s way of telling a man he doesn’t deserve to get lucky
faked orgasms: woman’s way of telling a man he’s luckier than he deserves to be
potential lovers who tell you about the “great sex” they had with a previous lover
current lovers who are having “great sex” with somebody else but don’t tell you about it
current lovers who are having “great sex” with somebody else and DO tell you about it
the inventiveness of women’s excuses for saying no
the inventiveness of men’s arguments for persuading a woman to say yes
sexual starvation
watching people who are dorkier than you get all the sex they want
having to practice safe sex
having to practice salesmanship to get sex
the depth of conversations at singles bars
the depth of conversations in online chat rooms
the depth of conversations in most marriages
spats
replays of the same spats
breaking up after making up
being dumped by someone you love
being dumped for your best friend
being dumped for your mate’s best friend
being dumped as part of your mate’s latest career move
“Can’t we just be friends?”
watching your ex-mate get lucky while your heart is still broken
searching for new mate so you have another chance to experience all of the above
the lamentable decline of romance
the unlamented demise of Western Civilization
the survival of tuberculosis bacilli and political parties
big government: a charity funded by legalized extortion
taxation without representation
taxation WITH representation
representative government masquerading as democracy
Washington insiders
dinner parties for Washington insiders
buying an ambassadorship
foreign ambassadors with 137 parking tickets who claim diplomatic immunity
backslappers and palm-greasers
congressmen who sell out to lobbyists
presidents who sell out to lobbyists
lobbyists
political cronies appointed to high office
the politicians who appoint the appointees
political scandals
cover-ups of scandals
press coverage of cover-ups of scandals
the blindness of the press toward JFK’s scandals
the bloodlust of the press in covering Nixon’s one scandal
candidates for the U.S. presidency since 1960
candidates for local office in every era
selling favors for campaign contributions: political prostitution
making impossible campaign promises: political courtship
committing impeachable offenses: political adultery
being impeached: political divorce proceedings
photo opportunities and sound bites
spin doctors
mudslinging as a viable campaign strategy
pollsters’ and psychics’ predictions
corporate earnings forecasts
investors who bail out of a company because it earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
companies that downsize because they earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
the stock market soaring on news of higher unemployment
going on unemployment yourself
mortgages and other long-term, life-sapping obligations, like marriage
divorce
having to pay alimony and child support
not receiving alimony and child support
staying single because you think the other option is even worse
having to think of yourself as “unfit” if you don’t propagate your genes
looking at some of the people who DO propagate their genes
watching a billion years of evolution sputter out when you die childless
knowing that all your knowledge and experiences will evaporate when you die
being dead
being embalmed
being displayed at an open-casket funeral
decomposition
eternal damnation
heaven
purgatory (”What’s the point?,” asked the cynic. “We’ve already been there.”)
reincarnation (damned if I’m taking calculus again!)
past-life regression therapy
aromatherapy
foot reflexology
chakras
auras
spirit channeling
energy vortexes
good karma and bad karma
gurus
false idols
pop idols
the artist formerly known as Prince
the company still known as Microsoft
monopolies
landing on Boardwalk with a hotel on it
not passing “GO”
not winning
not even breaking even
the fact that virtue is rarely rewarded
that the rewards usually go to the wrong people
that good things don’t last
that bad things never go away
that nothing you do in this life will matter 10,000 years from now
that nothing you do in this life will matter 10 years from now
that nearly everything you do is dictated by your genes
that you’ll never have enough time to do everything you want
that everything declines eventually, including you
the decline of language
the decline of art
the decline of decency
puritanism: lusting to prevent others from lusting
searching for happiness
searching for kindred spirits
searching for love
searching for self-esteem
searching for the meaning of life
searching for a flashlight with live batteries
searching for answers
never finding the answers
not wanting to find the answers
realizing that the answers will always elude you if you search for them
knowing that you’re still clueless after all these years
realizing that all the wise men, philosophers and self-help authors were clueless, too
knowing that the world is going to fall apart eventually
not caring if the world falls apart
“whatever”