1. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

2. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

6. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever – so far so good.

21. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

22. A day without sunshine is, like, night

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

27. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

28. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

31. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!