Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(But it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
“Do not turn upside down.”
(A little late for that warning!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating.”
(I never would have guessed that one)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But wouldn’t this save everyone a little more time?)

On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(And I was taking this because….)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(As opposed to what other uses?)

On a Japanese food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use.”
(I gotta admit, I’m curious – what other use???.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
“Warning: contains nuts.”
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(ane let me guess….Fly Delta?)

On a child’s Superman costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)