I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle )

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )

To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )