1. Men are like slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen”.

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO’s like they used to?

6. You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

11. I’m not 40-something. I’m $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable; there is another theory which states that this has already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d have come to me sooner.”

17. You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.