These records have not been officially verified. Read with a pinch of salt.

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991 (assuming U.S. pints, that’s roughly 0.8 L or almost a whole milk bag. Can you say gang bang? Can you say EEEWWW!!!). Gee, I wonder which cesspool of disease recently got named the AIDS poster child? That, and consider the possibility that she didn’t get “it” all down on the first “shot” and….oh, never mind).

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina (talk about flossing yer teeth when performing…well, I’m sure you can extrapolate from here).

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina (this, for the uniformed, is what one calls a loose, sloppy **insert vulgar label for female genitalia here**).

ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch (only the English, only the English. Don’t even begin to think of what his back-nee, or butt-nee must have been like. Like, what did the guy do to get a zit this big? Smear pig grease all over his face for a month?).

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac (safely drunk?!? Aphrodisiac?!? More like a Fear Factor dare if ya ask me).

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘C*nt Pump’ (I’ve, um, “heard” that it’s not bad. Oh, hush up ).

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ’substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph

LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a ’staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state (any coincidence Taco Bell is headquartered there? Ever hear of a grain product called bran there, buddy?

MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds (forget the WWI German gases or Saddam! FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WHATEVER YA DO DON’T LIGHT A MATCH!!! Can you imagine the blue angel off that one? Large enough to thaw friggin’ Siberia).