We knew this day would come. My wives and I have an escape route planned for you but there will be hardships. Are you able to enter the tunnels I prepared under your house? If so, go to tunnel 2 and take the third right, DO NOT use the first two, they are trapped. Under a flagstone on the third tunnel, you will find a box with passports and enough krugerands to get you down to Mexico. Head straight to Tiajuana and one of my representatives will contact you there.

With Fatherly Love,

Guest

I apologize for the lateness in which this letter gets to you, but Schotzy (my x-g/f dog) got it into his head to go treasure hunting in the neighbors yard and uncovered an ungodly amount of paraphernalia put there decades ago by the CIA and the NSA. If the Muslims had ever gotten a-hold of ANY of this we would be in deep shit. Needless to say, they had to quarantine the whole block and gas it for lice and red-heads. My life should be back by the year 2011.

Hope all is well with you and stepmom. Son Of Guest