1. “Michael Jackson’s album was only called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.” —Prince

2. “He looks like a dwarf who’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.” —Boy George, on Prince

3. “He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.” —Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. “All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.” —Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. “The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.” —Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. “People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable.” —P.J. O’Rourke

7. “Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence–those are the three pillars of Western prosperity.” —Aldous Huxley

8. “The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers.” —Ted Williams

9. “I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’ ” —Emo Philips

10. “He has so many fishhooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait.” —Bob Costas, on Dennis Rodman

11. “If you’re going to spit at me, make sure you hit me in the face. Don’t be wasting my time.” —Dennis Rodman

18. “She not only kept her figure, she’s added so much to it.” —Bob Fosse

19. “Love is two minutes, 52 seconds of squishing noises.” —Johnny Rotten

20. “Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” —H.L. Mencken

21. “Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.” —Friedrich Nietzsche

22. “You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” —Fred Allen

23. “Life is a cement trampoline.” —Howard Nordberg

24. “He would sell you a rat’s asshole for a wedding ring.” —Tom Waits, on singer/songwriter Chuck E. Weiss

25. “Start every day with a smile and get it over with.” —W.C. Fields
12. “If I had a hammer, I’d use it on Peter, Paul, and Mary.” —Howard Rosenberg

13. “Women’s intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.” —Rupert Hughes

14. “He walks as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it.” —Christopher Smart, on the poet Thomas Gray

15. “I couldn’t warm to him even if I was cremated next to him.” —Keith Richards, on Chuck Berry

16. “I’m glad I’ve given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He’s pathetic. It’s like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young.” —Elton John

17. “One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.” —Heinrich Heine