Honestly: You’re an idiot. Apparently it bothers you that some people expressed how they felt about the joke. If you can’t handle that, then you, sir, are the whiny little bitch with no thoughtful comprehension of what genuine freedom of speech is.

Did that response meet up with your belligerent standards?

And Si Vis Pacem: Wow, you certainly have me wriggling in the crushing grip of reason with that one. Shee.

On a genuinely personal note: I sure wish we could see less knee-jerk reaction out of people, and more thoughtful conversation. But then, I’ve been told that there aren’t any real people on the Internet.

Vote 3rd Party

Constitution Party

It started with this:

* * *

So, let’s see. You’re not political, and most of your audience is not American. You post a partisan screed, likely to offend the winning side in an election year (unless you can explain how “the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive” could possibly be interpreted as a light-hearted jibe?), with no viable counterpoint, and now you’re going “Oh, I don’t really feel that way, it’s just a joke, ha-ha!”

If you had had a counterpoint in there, it might have worked; poking “fun” at both sides. Here. I’ll help you out a little.

* * *

Whereupon I had a list of “I voted Republican because” responses. Alas.

So, let’s see. You’re not political, and most of your audience is not American. You post a partisan screed, likely to offend the winning side in an election year (unless you can explain how “the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive” could possibly be interpreted as a light-hearted jibe?), with no viable counterpoint, and now you’re going “Oh, I don’t really feel that way, it’s just a joke, ha-ha!”

If you had had a counterpoint in there, it might have worked; poking “fun” at both sides. Here. I’ll help you out a little.

* * *

I voted Republican because I believe in traditional marriage: buying her from her father, taking her away from home, and forcibly deflowering her in the presence of her mother to verify that she’s a virgin.

I voted Republican because I want the government to tell every citizen what kind of sex they can have with whom, because any form of sex that I don’t like is dirty and shouldn’t be indulged in except by my elected representatives.

I voted Republican because I believe that oil companies’ profits take precedence over such tiddling concerns as price-gouging, artificial shortages, consumer protection, damage to my car, and air pollution. After all, having to purchase a new car every three years, buying gasoline at $4/gallon every summer, and buying a ventilator in order to breathe is good for the economy.

I voted Republican because I don’t think paying down the national debt, which doubled under His Radiant Eminence Ronald Reagan, went up another 50% under His Proud Deputy George Herbert Walker Bush, and then MORE than doubled under The Most Holy George Walker Bush, while they made tax cuts that barely affected 94% of Americans, but saved the richest ones millions. God clearly wants our debt to spiral out of control under Republican presidents, which is why Obama’s projected 12% increase in the national debt is SO OFFENSIVE.

I voted Republican because I think the death penalty is an efficient way of taking care of criminals, especially the non-white ones, and allows our proud men in blue the free time to go bust those dirty pot-smoking hippies and those horrible pornographers rather than doing any work that might convict the right criminal.

I voted Republican because I think government has the right to punish girls who have dirty, dirty sex before marriage with the responsibility of a child, and the right to keep people in permanent vegetative states intubated even when they’ve clearly expressed the wish to be allowed to die. That’s just wrong—why would we want to allow someone control over their own lives when we know better what’s good for them?

I voted Republican because freedom of speech is fine as long as you support my politics, my religion, my elected officials, my hypocrisy, my wacky theories about where that uppity black man in the White House was born, my views on the environment, my disproportionate tax cuts. . . . Here’s a list of what you can say—enjoy!

I voted Republican because I think science is a useless and sinful pursuit. These “facts” that you speak of are clearly contradicted in the Bible. LA-LA-LA-LA-I-can’t-hear-you-LA-LA-LA-LA.

I voted Republican because I think all this needless environmentalism is just a fad. They say that there’s “global warming,” but my nipples were standing up yesterday, it was so cold. Besides, whatever happens is the will of God and of major corporate conglomerates, and they know better than everyone else, because they’re obviously successful.

I voted Republican because we should stay in Iraq and Afghanistan for the next fifty or a hundred years, because that will certainly teach them a lesson, and destroying their homelands and killing off their families will certainly quell any thought of taking vengence against us in OUR homeland. Heck, we’ve hardly lost even a hundred soldiers this year, that’s how peaceful things have gotten.

I voted Republican because armed invasion is so much easier than all that hard, brain-hurty diplomacy.

I voted Republican because I believe originalist judges need to rubber-stamp the obviously necessary constitutional amendments to strictly limit marriage to what I’m comfortable with, to give only Republican presidents wide-sweeping, dictatorial powers, and to give Republicans permanent control of Congress by removing the minority’s right to protest—but only if the minority isn’t Republican. Death to the filibuster, except when we want to use it!

I voted Republican because I believe the government will do a great job of spending my money as long as it’s on military expenditures, furthering a police state, and suppressing opposing opinion—and as long as we don’t have to pay it back.

I voted Republican because I’m too dumb to understand that a “Certificate of Live Birth” is equivalent to a “Birth Certificate,” yet I believe I should be allowed to buy anti-tank missiles in order to protect my toolshed.

I voted Republican because the party has finally thrown away all those pesky ideals. We hold the name, but no longer all those restrictive principles of what “Republican” is, while still claiming to be the party of Lincoln and Jefferson. Finally free of those unrealistic “states rights,” “financial responsibility,” “separation of church and state,” “driving out corruption,” and even “conservatism,” we are finally able to implement the totalitarian Christian debt-ridden invasive nation we’ve always dreamed of. And you’re going to like it, traitor.

“A neoconservative is a person who will take everything they don’t own, and then waterboard the original owners for having possessed it in the first place.” —Theo, the Thoughtful Republican