A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

“OK old fart, time for you to retire.”

The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”

The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
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* I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

* I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

* I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

* I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

* I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

* I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

* I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

* I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Happy hour is a nap.

You’re on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
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