The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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Words defined more accurately than Websters.

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Claire Forlani is an English actress born on 1 July 1972. She studied in the Arts Educational School in London, learning acting and dancing. She got her major break in Hollywood when she acted as a supporting role beside ex-James Bond, Sean Connery, in ‘The Rock’. She also starred opposite Antony Hopkins and Brad Pitt in ‘Meet Joe Black’. You might also have seen her in CSI New York as Dr. Peyton Driscoll.

She has that very cute pouty look that I think makes her so endearing, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. The list of Hollywood stars who agrees with me and have dated her before include Benicio del Toro, John Cusack, Brad Pitt (!), Keanu Reeves and Ben Stiller (!!). However, she is now married to a nobody in comparison, Dougray Scott.

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1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
Replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I Shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! ‘Julyer!’

7. Rectum Read the full story »

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, “Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the bobby, “just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
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An English glamour model that is worth ogling.

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DEAF VIOLINIST – Meaningful commercial about how a deaf girl overcomes all odds to learn the violin and compete.

V FOR VERBOSE – The film V for Vendetta in plain simple English!

FUNNY MATH – What’s 13 divided by 7? 28 of course!