A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 A.M.”.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed….

It said… “It’s 5.00 A.M., wake up!”

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.”

The married woman: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batwoman?’”

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. ‘

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,’ Son… what happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
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Small list of comics about how it all goes downhill after marriage.

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Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that sex starts only at seven o’clock, not any later.”

These pictures were taken before Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were officially a couple. Brad Pitt collaborates with photographer Steven Klein to portray what marital bliss is supposed to look like. Pity it is probably not what most Hollywood couples turn out to be.

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Before your dirty mind starts taking over, no, this post is not about sex, but rather the RESULT of it. How about SIX results?? This couple found themselves with 6 babies at one shot or Sextuplets. Talk about efficiency! Check out the size of the mother’s stomach!!

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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to poach eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’ My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’ she explained, ‘The 3 minute egg timer is broken.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do.”

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Read the full story »

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, “Sure.”

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, “No really, I’m a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you’d like.”

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?”

The hit man replied, “Sure.”

So the guy looked for a second and said, “YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next-door neighbor! And he’s naked too!”
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An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court of a small, remote village. During the proceedings, custody of the children was the big problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story.

After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and said, “Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”

I am certainly not against marriage but there are just too many hilarious comics on marriage not to share with everyone here. Most of them are probably based on true experience unfortunately but marriage is still a good thing!

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