In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is How Shit Happens.

Find that your employees are slacking off at work? Not fully utilizing their office hours? Spending too much time in the restroom and toilet chats? Try this new policy that is guaranteed to return those lost hours to your company!

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
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