I wonder how many here are fans of the Simpsons series? If I’m not mistaken, they are the longest-running cartoon comedy series (or so I heard somewhere). Anyway, I think that they are pretty good and here are some of the best quotes from our beloved Homer.

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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ON HIMSELF
“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS
“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

EDUCATION
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 August, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001
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I thought that I had a great list previously, but guess human’s ability to be sarcastic knows no bounds and here are more great and caustic one-liners seen on bumper stickers.

· I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

· I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die

· If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

· Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

· There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

· I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

· Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

· WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

· You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

· BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

· So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

· I need someone really bad… are you really bad?

· Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

· Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

· To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
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You might have seen a couple of these driving around, but bet there are many that you have not seen before. Here is a nice collection of bumper stickers produced.

· My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

· Keep honking while I reload.

· If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

· Bad Cop! No Donut!

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

· It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better

· I love cats … they taste just like chicken.

· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

· Sorry, I don’t date outside my species

· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

· Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

· Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

· Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
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The next time the shit hits the fan, remembering some of these eternal words of wisdom will help you tolerate the stench a little better.

1) Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2) You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3) There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4) Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

6) Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9) Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10) Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11) Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
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So you may have seen some of them before, sue me. But there is nothing like seeing cute (warning: not all are) girls wearing tight tank-tops with slutty messages…

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Ok, these are not actual Chinese proverbs (I checked), so let’s just call them Hollywood stereotyped Chinese proverbs. (Pretty sure you can imagine Mr Miyagi saying one of these to karate kid!)

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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“What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” –Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Unknown

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” –Bill Kelly

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner
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Sorry, we just cannot get enough of these sex-talk clothes.

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1) Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

5) I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

12) Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

14) Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

15) The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21) I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!

23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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More funny cheeky clothes that you might see on the streets with wise-ass quotes. Always good to enjoy especially if worn on the correct ‘body’.

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