‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’

‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’

‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
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1. “Michael Jackson’s album was only called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.” —Prince

2. “He looks like a dwarf who’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.” —Boy George, on Prince

3. “He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.” —Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. “All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.” —Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. “The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.” —Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. “People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable.” —P.J. O’Rourke

7. “Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence–those are the three pillars of Western prosperity.” —Aldous Huxley

8. “The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers.” —Ted Williams
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