I wonder how many here are fans of the Simpsons series? If I’m not mistaken, they are the longest-running cartoon comedy series (or so I heard somewhere). Anyway, I think that they are pretty good and here are some of the best quotes from our beloved Homer.

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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ON HIMSELF
“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS
“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

EDUCATION
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 August, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001
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The next time the shit hits the fan, remembering some of these eternal words of wisdom will help you tolerate the stench a little better.

1) Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2) You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3) There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4) Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

6) Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9) Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10) Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11) Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
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1) Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

5) I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

12) Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

14) Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

15) The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21) I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!

23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
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“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual

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